Oh, hey. This still exists.
Oh, The Internet.
Anyway. I did that thing again, where I keep myself from doing something because I don’t think it will come out perfect, and I won’t even attempt it until I can guarantee said perfection. In this case: I’ve been avoiding writing here because I don’t really like the name anymore. And maybe also the fact that I haven’t yet become that perfect version of myself- I’ve kind of been waiting for that to kick in any day now here…
But then I had a little breakdown/breakthrough. And this I will share with you now.
I really didn’t feel like making myself dinner tonight. Part of me wanted to pb&j my way into oblivion, preferably while binge-watching something terrible on netflix. But another part of me was able to shimmy its way in to gently point out to me that maybe, juuust maybe, I knew exactly what I was doing– and it’s called self-sabotage, people!
I’ve been on such a (natural) high lately, allowing my spiritual practice to take precedence and prioritizing the things that I know make me feel good, like meditating regularly and doing yoga with strangers in a big stinky room.
And as a result of this new surge in motivation to prioritize healthy habits (although, I have no scientific proof that there is any correlation here) things have been falling into place in new and exciting ways. And I think that part of me, the part that apparently is terrified by the prospect of prolonged happiness, wanted to pull back into the safety of old unhealthy habits and thought patterns.
“What are you doing? Where do you think you’re going?? We don’t know what’s out there! We don’t know how we’re going to pay for that! What if you fail? What if you SUCCEED? Just hold on a second- you’re not perfect yet, what right do you have to share your ideas with the world? You still get anxious and sad and fearful, how are you supposed to help others when you still haven’t figured out how to help yourself??”
And then there was a pause.
The desires of my stomach brought me back to the present, and I let this pause be an opportunity to get honest with myself. Am I really too tired to make myself dinner? Am I really too lazy to hang up my failed outfit attempts from this morning, or to water the fern that’s looking a little droopy?
Sometimes, yes. But most times, if I’m being totally honest with myself, it’s all a sham. These little things that I do or don’t do, they all add up. And sometimes these little decisions I make– choosing to binge-eat some crap or thoroughly chew a well-balanced meal, choosing to continue stepping over and ignoring the pile of junk on the floor or force myself to take 5 minutes to de-clutter, etc.– are actually much bigger decisions camouflaged as trivial.
Because if the present moment is the only moment we ever have, then there isn’t really much difference between the “little” decisions and the “big” ones anyway- you feel me?
So, what did I end up doing tonight?
I went to the kitchen. I assessed the fridge situation. And I made a weird soup thing using a combination of leftovers.
And it tasted like victory.